This Week in Sugar

Hello, welcome to the 14th month of Winter. March snow storms on the East Coast aren’t uncommon but every time they happen I feel that everyone is equally shocked and appalled. Like, hello! We’ve been encompassed in this grey, dull, sunless state for so long - March feels like it should be the beginning of a reprieve but it’s not. I don’t know why we don’t adjust our expectations but if we can’t do it for the federal government, the justice system, healthcare why would we be able to do it for the weather?

Because I’m a master of self inflicted difficulty I chose one of the most drab months of the year to do a Whole30. When I say “I chose” what I mean is I procrastinated all through January then all through February and now holy shit it’s March and I’m still not the healthy beacon of modern motherhood I aim to be! So now I’m on day 3 of a Whole30 and even though yesterday I proclaimed to my office mate that “I do not need sugar! I have zero cravings. Do I even like sugar?!” today I woke up hoping to fall face first into a jar of Nutella. Literally the entire world looks like the most appealing, gift wrapped, sexiest sugar cube to me. This is my, no joke right now, SEVENTH attempt at this diet so this time I will power through. What’s another twenty-seven days of this? I can do it. For your reading pleasure, here are all the things I wish I could be eating but will not be. Why? Because I am a strong powerful woman who does not need sugar to complete me and wants to reset her digestive tract because that’s a thing we want in our 30s.

  • almond croissant with super crispy, flaky edges and powdered sugar

  • an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream

  • banana pancakes soaked in maple syrup with whipped cream and a side of whipped cream

  • whipped cream - the real kind, homemade with full fat cream and loads of sugar

  • eggo waffle drowning in maple syrup

  • granola parfait with loads of honey

  • merengues, many merengues.

  • flourless chocolate cake

  • cheesecake - I don’t even really like cheesecake but whatever

  • Greek salad because apparently every dressing/sauce/thing you love and thought was “healthy” is also packed with sugar

Instead I’m ordering an almond milk latte and living out my personal nightmare of having to ask the barista if the almond milk has added sugar. Then I’m going to eat this seven minute egg because I’m that person now. If you spot me in Crocs next time you see me please stage an intervention.